Hospital: Day Three (Sat 10 Nov).

Stomach still churning. Met another couple of lovely nurses, brunettes this time. They came to clean me up and change the sheets. Forget what they say on the telly, getting a bed bath from 2 gorgeous young nurses is the worst sexual turn off ever ! You feel like a helpless, useless baby, having your Mum wipe your arse ! Your penis tries to escape into your belly ! The bed and my pants were full of orange and brown fart gas residue due to last nights culinary abomination ! And then to top it all, my redhead nurse, P, came in while I was nude on the bed, to take my blood pressure ! She looked quite flushed, but, even prettier with rosy cheeks ! Had no dignity left and no pants either, but, was quite comfortable in new sheets and pajama ! My chest pain seemed to have gone now.

Breakfast was the same as yesterday: bread, milk and coffee. So boring ! Felt tired so rested, tried to sleep a bit.

Lunch came. Soup was the same as Thursday night’s except without the cubes of snot meat. Learned how to eat hospital soup: hold your breath and drink it down ! Then you can eat the noodles at the bottom. Main course was spinach omelette, again, dry, reheated and cold, this time with huge lumps of spinach in it. It made me want to puke! I ate the tomatoes that came with it and the fruit.

Rested some more. My sister in law phoned. Rested some more !

Later on started to need a poo. Press the call button and asked to do a poo. “Pardon?”, answered the voice on the intercom. They could have put the microphone nearer to the bed. I don’t really want to shout my embarrassing requests, nor do I want to hear everyone else’s ! One of the nurses from this morning (we’ll call her N for nurse) brought me the poo bucket, then forgot about the bog roll ! The poo sensation had gone anyway, so I wasn’t worried ! I knew I’d have to do this on my own, can’t poo with people watching !

Started reading the magazines S had left me. Started doing some sudoku, needed a crap instantly. Called for some bog roll, bog roll came and I set up my poo bucket system: layed down a sheet of absorbent waterproof paper on the bed, the bucket on top of that, then another sheet on top of the bucket to catch the poo. Did a dry run, lifted myself over the bucket and sat on it, seemed pretty simple. OK, now for the real thing, had a piss first (didn’t want any complications!),  lifted myself over the bucket again, this time the top paper moved, the poo fell half on the paper and half in the bucket. It’s so dificult to aim !! At least it didn’t go on the bed ! Then the big problem: how to wipe your arse while supported by both arms !! Managed to shuffle round a bit and put my good leg underneath me and free up an arm. Next problem: how to break off the bog roll with 1 hand, quite difficult. Now: how to wipe your arse with your bloody pajama getting in the way !! I was completely knackered, but, relieved after all that. Stuffed the paper into the bucket and put it on the table next to the piss. Called for the nurse to come and get rid of it. Just at that moment dinner arrived. So I ended up with my dinner on the table, a bottle of piss in 1 hand and a bucket of shit in the other !! Luckily N came quickly, thinking she’d have a right mess to clean up. She was pleasently surprized all the shit was in the bucket !!

Opened my big blue box to see what mank they’d brought me this time. Starters was “garbanzos” (spanish chick peas). Not too bad, taste was quite bland, the garbanzos were a bit dry and hard, sufficiently edible to eat half of it. Main course was supposed to be hake a la basque. For a start, it was clearly COD !! Overcooked, dry, cold and inedible. The mushrooms tasted like they came from Mars or somewhere. The steamed potatoes had gone white. Satan himself couldn’t produce food as bad as this !!

Later on a lady came in and asked me what I wanted to eat tomorrow, was tempted to say just bring me the ingredients and a cooker, I’ll make it myself !!

Nighttime came, my heel started hurting due to me resting my leg on it. Asked for a pillow, got a blanket. That helped for a while, kept having to change the position of my foot. Couldn’t sleep, lots of noise. Eventually ran out of positions, called again about the pain. B came with another blanket. Said if the pain continues will bring some painkillers. Later on foot very painful, still lots of noise and no sleep. Called again about the pain, B came back with an IV bag and hooked me up. I lay there feeling the pain in my foot dissappear and suddenly crashed. Woke up a while later, all dark and silent, my brain was quite confused, it felt like a different room, even a different building !! After a while I crashed again for a long and deep sleep. Hadn’t slept like that for a long, long time !

Hospital: Day Two (Fri 9th Nov).

Very hungry and thirsty, pain in my stomach was hurting the pain in my chest, and vice versa. Very lovely redhead nurse came in (we’ll call her P for pelirroja – redhead in Spanish) and took a syringe of blood (was this the vampiress I was dreaming about on hallow’een ?! Be very careful what you wish for, it just might come true !!). She said I couldn’t have any breakfast, ‘cos I was gonna have some more tests. Breakfast came, had to leave it on the side, stomach still hurting.

A while later, a pretty blonde nurse came and took me to the CAT scan. It looked like a huge and scary tumble dryer ! I had to lie on this half capsule type thing (very uncomfortable), the scanner operator, another pretty blonde, injected some stuff in my IV line. I had to sign a consent form, getting worried now, what if it erases my brain or something !! Then I had to stretch my arms above my head, very painful with the pain in my chest ! Must grin and bear it though, can’t disappoint the ladies ! The 2 girls went out and closed the door. Then the monster started making wierd noises and I got inserted into it. I started panicking and getting claustrophobic, I wanted to hiperventilate, but, that just hurt my chest more, my heartbeat went mental ! Part of the scanner started spinning around me. Then it spoke !! “Breathe deeply and hold your breath”. INCREDIBLE PAIN in my chest !! Seemed to take ages before it let me breathe again. Then it moved me about and told me to hold my breath again. I thought the torture would never end !! Then the second girl spoke to me though the intercom, said I could relax now. Phew !! The machine let me go and I was put back on my bed, still in quite a lot of pain. After a while, was taken back to my room, pain had died down. Was glad that was all over!

Opened my big blue box expecting to find some kind of breakfast, all that was there was: a bread roll, a cup of milk, some olive oil, sugar, and some decaffinated coffee. Was quite disappointed, why did it need such a big box ? Drank the milk, and ate some of the bread. Luckily I’d kept the last nights yoghourt !

A while later the Doctor came in said they’d found a blood clot in my lungs, was gonna carry on with the anticoagulants and painkillers, and would talk about discharging me on the Monday or Tuesday (12th or 13th). He told me whenever I got a pain in my chest to call the help button as they had the painkillers already and waiting. The Doctor went and I called for the drugs. The pretty redhead from before, P, came and hooked up a bag of painkillers to my IV line, also hooked me up to the oxygen.

Rested a bit, spoke to various relatives on the phone. Then lunch came, was dreading what I’d find in my blue box this time ! Starters was supposed to be vegetable soup. It was greeny brown and tasted of nothing. I just put the lid back on and left it ! Main course was roast chicken leg, it was actaully quite nice, I ate all of that. I didn’t bother with the soggy reheated cold chips it was resting on though ! Satsuma was nice, and got another small bottle of water.

My friend S, came while I was eating, he brought me some magazines and water. We talked for a while. Then gave him my house keys and a list of stuff to bring. Also asked him to turn of water heater and inform the neighbours. If it weren’t for S I’d be completely up the creek without a paddle! On his way out he had a word with P, told her I was shy (I prefer the word reserved!). As everyone seems to do, P, came in and asked me why I was shy, as if it’s some kind of lifestyle choice! I still don’t have an answer for that question. She said not to be shy and not to be afraid to ask for anything. Aaah, she’s so sweet !! I’m gonna enjoy being looked after by her !

Some people from a charity came in afterwards, asked if I needed anything. That was nice of them. I got the phone number of my room from them. Phoned my bro, R, gave him the number. Now I don’t have to rely on my mobile, which was rapidly running out of juice. S returned with my stuff, including my phone charger. I was sorted now. P kept coming in asking if I needed anything.

“Dinner” came. For starters was an attempt at fish soup, tasted like the water we use to defrost the fish at the restaurante, it had a mussel floating in it that looked quite dodgy. Could only eat half of that. Second course was supposed to be omelette with sautéed vegetables. The omelette was cold, dry, badly beaten and utterly inedible. Next to it was what can only be described as slime with cold half raw carrots and what I assume was other vegetable matter !! It was the mankiest thing I had ever eaten !! It turned my stomach ! I wouldn’t feed this crap to a dying rat, let alone patients in a hospital !Later my family phoned from England again. The pain in my chest had gone now. Must have got high on the painkillers and oxygen, ‘cos I was feeling so happy !! Mum, being a nurse, asked me to ask the nurse what drugs I was taking, she said the painkillers might be morphine.

A while later, P came back to give me my injection. Asked her about the drugs. She said the injections were heparin anticoagulant and the painkiller nolotil.

Nighttime came, pain in my chest started up again, called for more drugs. P came and hooked me up. Got unhooked from the oxygen, was hurting my nose a bit.

Tried to sleep, couldn’t. Still buzzing from the drugs and oxygen. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see everything in my brain as flashing images. After a while, something wierd started happening, the intercom control system, on the wall started changing shape. The 3 parts of it changed into 3 gremlin type creatures, the 2 on the ends developed an arm each, then they started having an argument !! Waving their arm at each other and shouting (with no sound). The one in the middle was trying to stay out of it !! Sooo wierd !! Couldn’t get anything else to change shape, couldn’t sleep neither. So turned the light on and did a bit of drawing.

Bored after a while, turned off light and tried to sleep. Started sleeping 2 minute intervals and waking up with a jump, like you do on a train or in the bank! At times I nearly jumped out of bed. Thought I was gonna have heart failiure or something. This went on most of the night, started to get very tedious ! Also had a bad stomach and farting heavily, the thought of that “food” I had made me want to puke ! The 2 minute sleep intervals gradually got longer and turned into half hour intervals.

Hospital: Day One (Thurs 8th Nov).

Woke up, crippling pain in my ribs. After a while the pain died down a bit, allowing me to get up. Drove to doctors. The chairs in the doctors waiting room are uncomfortable at the best of times, but with the pain in my ribs and leg, I didn’t think I would make it.

Eventually got to see the doctor. Suspected deep vein thrombosis he said and sent me to the emergency department in Torrevieja Hospital. Went home had cuppa tea, was quite scared, sent text message to a friend (we’ll call him S for anonimity purposes), got myself together and left for the hospital.

On the way took the wrong turnoff for Torrevieja, had to backtrack. Got to hospital, hobbled to front desk and asked for emergency department. Brilliant !! I’m in the wrong bloody hospital !! This is San Jaime Hospital the other one is further down the road in San Miguel. Back in the car then and back on the road.

Bit later got to the correct hospital. Again hobbled to front desk and asked for A & E: “You go out the door and turn left” said the bloke. Went out, turned left walked to the end of the hospital: NOTHING THERE !! Started to get worried now. Half way back saw another info desk. Asked again for A & E. “You go up the stairs”. Why the first bloke couldn’t tell me about the stairs, I don’t know !! Went up the stairs: EUREKA !! There it was. Went in gave my paper to the lady at the desk.

I had arrived !! Felt happier though still quite scared. It was about 1:30 by this time.

Didn’t have to wait long, was called in, put on a bed and told to take my jeans off. After a while the doctor came and examined me, the nurse put an IV line in my arm, connected a drip and gave me some injections: 1 in the wrist, 1 in the IV line and 1 in the belly. After a while was taken to a waiting room with comfy chairs, still had the drip so had to walk with one of those supports with wheels, also handy for carrying your plastic bag with your stuff in !

After a while was taken for a chest X-ray, then brought back. The drip had finished so had to carry my bag in my hand ! When I got back, attempted to put the back of the chair back a bit … CRASH … nearly smashed the window behind me !! That cheered everyone up a bit!

Another while later (had no idea of the time, had to turn off my mobile), was taken back to the radiology department for an ultrasound of my leg. Then back to the comfy chairs.

A matter of seconds later was taken back to the bed. Doctor came in and told me to get undressed and put a hospital gown on, they were keeping me in. They’d found thrombosis (blood clot) in my left leg. My chest X-ray appeared clear, but, they were going to do a CAT scan anyway. The treatment consisted of painkillers and anticoagulants. I asked for how long, maybe a few days he said.

I got undressed and lay on the bed, a nurse came and put a tight bandage on, from my toes right up to my groin. After a while I was taken to my room. It’s a wierd sensation laying there watching the ceiling lights go by ! Was put in room 56, on my own.

Later a couple of nurses came in and showed me the lights and call button. Then a male nurse came in (we’ll call him B for bloke as I don’t know his real name !) and hooked up a drip to my IV line. The night time doctor came in and told me I had to have “reposo absoluto” (absolute rest).

It was about 6:00 in the evening, dark outside. Started to phone people. Mum was out, left a message, Dad was out, spoke to my Stepmum, said to call back later. Phoned my friend S, told him about everything, asked if he could give some food to my cat.

Felt quite scared, a bit lonely, but, happy my cat was sorted and thankful I had a mate like S.

A while latter, a lady brought a huge blue box, which was described as “dinner”. Oh dear !! If you have just eaten please stop reading now ! Starters was supposed to be chicken soup, it looked quite nice, but, tasted like water with a hint of charcoal, it had cubes of some kind of meat that tasted like absolute nothingness and had the consistency of snot, the pasta in the bottom was OK though. Then, second course, 2 burgers, luke warm swimming in grease, tasted like arseholes, could just about force one of them down my throat. These were served with 2 halves of a desecated, rubberised jacket potato, you couldn’t cut them, let alone, eat them !! The pears for afters were nice though, and a small bottle of mineral water. I thought school dinners in England were bad, but this is another league of mank !!

Later my Dad phoned and my brother, R, phoned, was good to hear their voices. Phoned my other brother C, laughed too much, nearly died !! Then run out of credit.

Felt tired and weak, tried to sleep, too noisy, everything echoes as well. A nurse brought me a yogourt which I saved for tomorrow. Then they put up a sign: no food or drink after midnight because of analysis the next day.

Couldn’t hold my bladder any longer, pressed the call button, and asked to have a piss. A nurse brought me a strange shaped bottle ! Had my first bed piss, managed to get all the urine in the bottle, somehow ! Would have to perfect my bed-piss technique ! Was dreading the moment I would have to do a poo !

Tried sleeping again, no luck far too anxious and uncomfortable, those hospital beds are very hard. Noise had died down.

Started to get a pain in the centre of my chest and in my ribs, pain growing, started to get worried. The pain worsened further, pressed the call button, and told them about it. Pain was now excruciating. I thought I was actually gonna die, or worse, they were gonna leave me to die (paranoia). The nurse from before, B, arrived, seemed to me like ages. Hooked me up a drip. After a bit the pain started going slowly. B came back with a trolley, stuck electrodes all over me and connected me up to the electrograph machine. The night time doctor arrived and asked me a few questions about the pain.

I never ever want to experience pain like that again ! Glad I’m still alive ! Still couldn’t sleep though. Morning came eventually, don’t remember sleeping at all that night.

One Foot in the Grave (well a leg anyway!).

The pain in my leg continued. But treating it with Ibuprofen, hot water and a bandage, it was manageable.

Planned to go to the doctors on the Tuesday, couldn’t had to do paperwork in Orihuela. Bloody Spanish beaurocracy, they refuse to deal with more than a certain number of people in a day, as they are uncapable of working after 2:00, so if you’re not in the queue by 9:00 you’ve had it. LAZY B*#$%&!@s !!! We should DEMAND they work a full day and see ALL the people that need seeing, they are OUR employees after all.

So Wednesday back to Orihuela 9:00 to get a ticket. 5 hours later I get seen. Another thing with these beaurocrats is there’s always at least 1 document missing, even though the government has all the info it needs anyway. So they send you away again. Another fruitless day !!

They should all be replaced by computers, much more efficient, can see to thousands of people in minutes, and can work 24 hours a day !! We could save millions of euros !!

Went home tired and annoyed. In the afternoon felt quite ill. Then felt really ill. Went to bed, pain in my ribs, had Ibuprofen, felt like I’d received a hammer blow. I thought I had a broken rib. Pain grew and grew, hurts when I breathe. Could only get releif by laying on a pillow. Wondered about calling an ambulance, too painful to move. Managed to sleep somehow.

In the Beginning: A Bloody Hallow’een.

It all started on Hallow’een (31st October) 2007…

Just a normal day to start with, got up late, had a spliff and relaxed on the sofa. It’d been a long hard summer at work, couldn’t wait to finish the next week, then holidays until Christmas.

In the evening walked down to the restaurant where I worked, for dinner: a nice fat bloody T- bone steak with chips and a pint. Steak was gorgeous !! Afterwards a cuppa tea and a Drambuie to keep out the cold.

Came home and watched the TV with a pint of Irish cider. Being hallow’een all sorts of stuff about vampires and blood and things were on. Thought wouldn’t it be nice to meet a gorgeous redhead vampiress in the mood for some blood !

Bit later started to feel a slight pain in the back of my leg. Didn’t think much of it, being a waiter my legs are always aching.

The next day the pain in my leg started getting worse and worse, til the end of the night it was really quite painful. I must have pulled a muscle, I thought, and took an Ibuprofen. Little did I know I had developed a life threatening condition and should have gone to hospital !

The day after was the last day of work til Christmas, 40+ Norwegians had booked for their bowling (petanca) club. My leg was incredibly painful, it felt like it was going to explode when I put my weight on it. I had another Ibuprofen and a very hot shower, and put a firm bandage round it. That seemed to do the trick. Went to work and came back no problem.